I appreciate your feelings, they are valid and not only a sign of mental health, but empathy and intelligence.
We have been conditioned to reject our emotion, our rage, our pain and sorrow; as if they are lesser emotion, as if being peaceful, content, or happy under oppression is virtuous.
I encourage you to harness that outrage and cultivate it, don’t try to escape it, accept it, work with it, and work through it.
If you need a physical outlet, take up martial arts, archery, form a paintball group and practice ranged combat, if the guns are too expensive use slingshots and paintballs; they you will be working off pint up energy and cultivating skills that will server you in the long run. If you are in the Chicago area come out to our Free Form Sparring Sessions, our Sling Shot Shoot Outs, or our other communal fitness events. If you aren’t and you’d like to organize a communal fitness group in your area let me know. Just don’t allow that energy to build up without a constructive outlet.
Do not run to some guru or BS spiritualist who will tell you to find “inner-peace,” that’s bullshit, I promise you. You need inner-balance and external justices. Inner balance is when you can be peaceful and turning when the situation calls for it, and you can wreck shit when you need to; and you have the wisdom and self-control to know what time is when.
We must organize, plan, and execute strategically, but we must also sustain the outrage and passion to feed and motivate us. It’s all about balance. The outrage can motivate you to do the rational work, and the rational work to help to level off your outrage because you are progressing.
We are engaged in a multi-generational struggle, so we often can’t see the progress before us. We have to have an historical view. We’ve made respectable progress over the decades, even though we still have to work like hell to intensify our struggle and make further advances.
Not too long ago Black people had to endure much greater atrocities. There was a time when the Master would call down and tell our forefather; “send your wife up to the big house, I’m feeling frisky,” or “send up your daughter, I’ll break her in,” or “send up your son, I’m a freak.” That’s what our ancestors brought us through.
Just a few decades ago, our grandmothers would have to roam the local woods if their sons didn’t make it home over the weekend. They’d be looking for their lynched, burned, and mutilated corpses to bury. Then, like Dick Gregory said; our grandmothers would go to work at the White man’s house who murdered her sons, and wash their own son’s blood out of their Bosses shirts and pants. Many of our foremothers suffered sexual assaults and rape at the hands of their White employers and their children, and knew they couldn’t tell the police or their husbands, or their sons or they would be killed for seeking justice for their mothers. They would be raped and have to get dressed and returned to work under their rapist day after day, year after year. That’s what our ancestors brought us through.
So we’ve been backing this Beast up off of us for decades, centuries; but we still have a ways to go; but the oppression will never return to the way it was, we are progressing. Even though shit is bad, it is improving as long as we keep up the resistance on all fronts.
You shouldn’t go out like Colin Ferguson or Mark Essex because we need people who can endure for the long haul, we need long term organizing, State-Craft, and Nation Building and we have too few of us who are willing to do this work; we can be losing our people to outburst of rage and revenge, not matter how justified, that’s my position. I’d rather have your working for the next 50 years on our liberation then to lose you in a few hours in a blaze of glory.
But, you can check out Neely Fuller’s; “The Code,” and the chapter on “Maximum Compensatory Justice” if you disagree with me and want an alternative to my suggestions.